Action: Align your true self and life direction through reflection and practical steps.

Content: Explore the Structural Alignment framework to guide your journey toward fulfilment.

Outcome: Gain insight into what drives you and learn to make decisions rooted in compassion and wisdom, creating a life of alignment and meaning.

Childhood Imprints and Our Later Selves

Let me take you back to the early eighties in Abingdon, a small market town on the edge of Oxford, England.

Growing up in an old water mill, I had a nagging sense of being different. My mother and I stood out, and in a place like that, being different didn’t always feel safe.

As a small child, a quiet unease settled over my world. With little guidance and my mother, young and lost in her own struggles, I was often left alone and unsure of where to turn.

I wrestled with questions that took years to articulate:

Is the world a safe place?
Should risks be taken or avoided?
Do love and support flow freely, or are they conditional?

Of course, there were moments of happiness—times when my mother and I found joy in small things. But as a rule, I looked and felt out of place.

This early sense of isolation followed me into adulthood, shaping how I approached new opportunities and relationships. I fluctuated between excess caution and not caring at all; self-regulation and balance were foreign concepts to me. Ultimately, I expected little.

What becomes familiar often becomes expected and, therefore, what we seek.

We often repeat patterns—behaviors that feel safe, even when they aren’t healthy. Without recognising them, these familiar patterns can dictate much of how we move through the world.

A Time for Reflection and Realignment

By the time we reach our mid-thirties (at least, that’s when it hit me), we’ve usually experienced enough of life to see how our habits and decisions shape our identity.

It’s also when milestones like career, family, and pursuit of financial stability prompt us to take stock—forcing us to ask whether our actions and values truly align with our hopes and aspirations.

As we delve deeper, trying to reflect on the changes we want, we often encounter vague feelings of confusion. Despite our efforts and good things happening, life may feel like it’s happening to us rather than for us.

How do you start shifting your perspective? How can you turn those abstract desires into something tangible and actionable? Let’s consider a framework.

As a coach and psychotherapist, I've often used a Structural Alignment framework to help my clients look beyond their immediate stories.

Using this approach, we can recognise the internal patterns that inform and drive our beliefs, habits and behaviour (some years ago, I came across a formulation of this idea by coach Tony Kirkland).

The basic tenets of Structural Alignment encourage you to first view your actions, choices and reality as a function of where you are.

The Structural Alignment concept is structured as a pyramid comprising four consecutive layers.

The Structural Alignment concept implies there is no room for conflict when these four dimensions are aligned. Emotions, thoughts and actions flow seamlessly forward. Conversely, conflict or struggle emerges when any of these elements are misaligned.

At the base is Truth, which represents your physical and emotional reality. This foundational layer is crucial for understanding your authentic hopes and desires, forming the bedrock of a well-lived life.

Next is Vision, your future orientation. This layer guides your decisions and actions, keeping you aligned with your evolving goals and reminding you of your desired destination.

Above Vision is Purpose, which defines your reason for being and doing. It is the driving force that compels you to live with meaning and resilience, especially in the face of life’s inevitable challenges.

At the top is the Higher Self, the product of all three preceding layers working in harmony. When aligned, this level allows you to live fully and meaningfully, free from fear and regret.

Truth (The Foundation)

As your foundation, truth is often the hardest to define. Sometimes, the goals you set aren’t aligned with what you truly want or believe—instead, they reflect what you think you should pursue.

Often, hidden fears and doubts cloud your deeper truth, holding you back from achieving your real goals.

One client, eager to find a relationship, repeatedly sabotaged romantic opportunities. Our work uncovered his childhood experiences had instilled deep-rooted fears and beliefs that kept him from forming meaningful connections.

He recalled observing his father, who often protested a lack of time and space, overwhelmed by the burdens of family life.

His father would frequently complain about feeling hen-pecked and pressured by his wife before retreating to his study for isolation. Understandably, my client’s view of love and relationships was tainted by these memories.

As a result, whenever a potential partner showed promise, he would unconsciously sabotage the opportunity—finding reasons to justify incompatibility and avoid deeper commitment.

So while his goal was to find a relationship, his current truth—his underlying fears and beliefs—prevented him from fostering a meaningful connection. For him to succeed, his mindset and truth needed to shift before the goal could become achievable.

Reflection:

When clarifying your truth, focus on the experience you want, not just how you think it should appear. Ask yourself: What decisions have I made based on what I thought I should do, rather than what I truly wanted to do? Write down three recent examples.

Vision (Stage 2)

This stage encompasses the broader trajectory of your life and goals.

Your Vision includes everything you aspire to—how you want it, what it looks like, how it feels, and what it will mean once you’ve achieved it.

A compelling vision propels you forward, keeping you focused on your desired outcome. However, to bring meaningful fulfilment, your vision must align with your deeper truth.

Searching for Freedom

I met a young woman—pre-COVID—who was about to embark on a round-the-world trip. ‘What inspired that?’ I asked. ‘I want to experience freedom,’ she explained. It sounded exciting, but her search for freedom required a closer look.

As we dug deeper, it became clear that the freedom she sought wasn’t the kind backpacking would provide. Though adventure awaited, it came with many restrictions.

Short-stay accommodations, language barriers, and navigating unfamiliar territory turned out to be the daily tyranny of small decisions—not exactly the freedom she had in mind.

On closer inspection, her quest for freedom revealed something far more personal and less exotic than the scheduled adventures. What she truly sought was relief from pressure—a sense of belonging to a circle of empathetic, committed, and generous friends.

More than anything, she longed to speak up without fear of judgment, to explore her thoughts freely, and to be accepted for who she was.

In other words, her real desire was for acceptance and connection among trusted peers. But after hurtful experiences with unpredictable friendships in college, she no longer believed this was possible.

To protect herself, she withdrew from forming new relationships, seeking ‘freedom’ in distant places instead.

What we seek and where we look to fulfil may not always align.

Pause for Reflection: Your vision must be anchored in your truth—what you genuinely want to experience. When misaligned, disappointment is almost inevitable.

Take, for example, a person of average physical ability aspiring to become a professional athlete. If their vision doesn’t align with their reality, the goal will remain out of reach.

To clarify your vision, ask yourself: What exactly do you want to experience? And how does this vision relate to—and align with—your truth, both physically and emotionally?

Purpose (Stage 3)

Once your truth and vision are aligned, your true sense of purpose can emerge.

This stage invites deep reflection on fundamental questions:

• Why am I here?

• Where do my talents truly lie?

• What do I want to create and contribute to the world?

Without a sense of purpose, life can feel aimless. Your days may become task-driven, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and, eventually, distressed. Now, contrast that with someone who feels emotionally engaged and fulfilled in their life. They are likely living with a strong sense of purpose and meaning, guided by something larger than themselves.

Carving out your purpose is a process of discovery. It’s a form of fulfilment only you can realize. Some describe it as finding the missing link—a mission designed for them, where self and meaning are harmoniously united.

Interestingly, the search for ‘purpose’ or ‘passion’ may not be the best approach.

Author Cal Newport captures this idea well, suggesting that the pursuit of passion can lead to self-absorption. He states, ‘If you want to love what you do, abandon the passion mindset (“What can the world offer me?”) and instead adopt the craftsman mindset (“What can I offer the world?”)’.

Indeed, people often find the most compelling sense of purpose when they focus on contributing to something greater than themselves. Their motivation comes not from selfish desires but from a hunger to make a meaningful impact.

Your Purpose must align with your Truth and Vision. When all three align, life will flow more harmoniously, and fulfilment will follow naturally.

However, if you find that you’re not moving forward despite aligning your truth and vision, it’s time to reflect on your purpose. Misalignment at this stage may be the key holding you back.

Singing Someone Else’s Song

I met a young man in London who, after graduating as an accountant, quickly climbed the corporate ladder. On the surface, he had it all—financial stability, a clear career path, and no apparent worries. Yet, despite these advantages, he felt underutilized and deeply dissatisfied. His life, as he described it, lacked meaning.

In his heart, he had always wanted to pursue acting. Unmoved by material comfort, his true passion was artistic expression. Yet, he had never given himself permission to explore this desire.

He explained that he’d chosen accountancy to meet his parents’ expectations. Now, bound by the trappings of a high-income lifestyle, he felt his broader life experiences had suffered. Disappointment and frustration began to overshadow his accomplishments as he struggled to express his true self in any meaningful way.

Eventually, he realized he needed to reconcile his present reality with a new vision—one that was free from external expectations and aligned with his inner sense of purpose.

Not long after, he left for a less lucrative but more creative role. Working part-time, he finally had the space to pursue his artistic passions. Despite the reduced financial security, he found a sense of internal stability. Surrounded by like-minded people and immersed in a craft he loved, he discovered a deeper sense of peace.

Connecting the Dots: Discovering Your Own Purpose

Much like many of us, this young man’s experience of living a life shaped by others’ expectations illustrates the importance of aligning with our true purpose.

Many of us, like him, find ourselves following paths set out by others, whether throughin family expectations, societal norms, or external pressures.

We might excel in these areas, but often, a sense of disconnection lingers. The key to moving past this discontent lies in aligning our truth, vision, and purpose.

Just as the young man had to redefine his goals to match his authentic self, we, too, must take the time to reflect deeply on what truly drives us.

When we focus on aligning our Purpose with our Truth and Vision, life begins to take on new meaning. It becomes about fulfilling what we genuinely want to offer the world rather than what we feel we should.

Pause for reflection: What makes you unique in the eyes of others? What do people appreciate and value about you? If you don’t know, ask! Their responses may point you in a direction that helps define and develop your own sense of purpose.

Higher-being (Stage 4)

Once you’ve identified your purpose and aligned it with your truth and vision, you can move to the final stage: experiencing your Higher Self. Here, your actions and decisions are guided by compassion and wisdom.

Your Higher Self is the clearest, most authentic version of you. It’s like standing on a mountaintop above the clouds, seeing the world without the weight of expectations, old habits, or past wounds. From this vantage point, you can make decisions with peace, clarity, and compassion.

This is why aligning with your Higher Self is essential. Without it, even the best intentions can become distorted.

Higher Self and Compassion

History teaches us the dangers of acting without alignment with our Higher Self. Without compassion and wisdom, even well-intentioned goals can cause harm.

By grounding ourselves in empathy, we ensure that our decisions lead to personal growth and collective good.

This highlights how essential it is that our Truth, Vision, and Purpose are guided by the Higher Self. When decisions aren’t anchored in a higher moral framework, they can easily become distorted and vulnerable to cruelty or immorality—even when we believe we’re pursuing something righteous.

But when aligned with your Higher Self, your actions are guided by empathy, wisdom, and integrity. This alignment strengthens the foundation of your Truth, Vision, and Purpose, allowing you to live a life of greater harmony, compassion, and fulfilment.

Final Thought

So what might Structural Alignment look like for you?

Just as my childhood experiences shaped much of how I moved through life, you, too, can identify the patterns that have guided you.

By aligning your Truth, Vision, Purpose, and Higher Self, you begin to shape a life that feels fulfilling, compassionate, and true to who you really are.

Your journey begins with small intentional moments of reflection.

Begin by reflecting on your Truth—what do you really want in life? Next, define your Vision—what do you want to create? From this, extract your Purpose—what are you here to contribute? When all are aligned, you reveal your Higher Self and ground your actions in compassion and wisdom.

You don’t have to figure it all out at once. Each small step brings you closer to living in alignment with who you truly are. Start with Truth. Begin today, and trust that even the smallest move forward can make a meaningful difference.